Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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