apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
