the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
