he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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