I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
