you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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