Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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