i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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