home. puking in laundry basket.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
