How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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