life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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