I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
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No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize