wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
