As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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