I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
