i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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