yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
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then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
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Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??