I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.