I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND