I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
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Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
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Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.