I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you didnt know i had herpes?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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