Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
