I should be sponsored by Trojan
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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