I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
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I need to sanitize my soul.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My feet surprised me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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