so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
