How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights