dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
