Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
