The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I need to stop coming to work sober
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
