im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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