OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
