I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
