i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
