hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
