Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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