Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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