Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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