i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize