I must be too annoying 4 u.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
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i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
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apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.