my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom