I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
