I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
