I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
