These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
