I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
