I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Everyone says I win the strip club
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.