if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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