I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
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Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
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We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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