a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window