i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito