Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.