I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
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As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
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He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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