Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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