so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
