I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's blow job season.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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