Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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